Everything is Better with Deadpool
by bezerkoid
Summary: Deadpool gets kicked out his local Micromedia store and looks for action. In the process he grabs Mr Fantastic's Multiverse Transporter and ends up seeing... everything.
1. Product Displacement

**A/N: You've probably guessed by now what this story is. Everybody's favourite Merc With a Mouth runs into... everything.**

As soon as Wade Wilson entered the Micromedia store, he eyed the shopkeeper with suspicion as some tried leaving in a subtle way, pretending to take an interest in the new substandard products at the front display and sneaking out. The red and black mask he wore hid his frown, which at the moment was placed upon a horrifically scarred face he'd kept since his work in Weapon X. The one part of his world he remembered the same everytime. Everything else… just varied.

For just a moment, his mind left his body and walked back through the warped tangle of nerve and marshmallow humankind knew as a brain, seeing memories appear before him. He sighed, head hitting his hands.

"Note to self. Never try doing the facepalm again unless around Squirrel Girl or the Sentry's grave. Or if Joe Quesada is meddling with writing for you. Note two, tell writers of comics that my mind cannot appear like a 1980's sidescroller game."

The images walked towards him, the first a woman who'd brought him into this world (aside from Rob Liefield, who didn't really count in hindsight) until her eventual and painful death. His mother in this memory was in overall worse condition, hair greying and skin wrinkling long before her time. The mercenary felt a single tear shed from his eye which he hoped had not been seen by anyone watching, reader or eyewitness.

The second stood tall- a man, silent and coloured in black and white, a direct cutout from the only photo and information that the mercenary knew about his father. Everything from his pose to his hairstyle came from the only photograph he'd had, when his father had been young and strong, and before his mother had gained weight from her pregnancy. The man tried opening his mouth, but nothing came out except a loud and indescribable moan. In that moment he growled, angered.

"Give me a break! Spider-Man ALWAYS gets Uncle Ben giving him advice from beyond the grave! Why the hell am I unable to even hear my damn father in my imagination! I call ridiculous underdog status! Abuse! Abuse!"

_No, Wade. Nineteen years ago that claim would get you a better response. Now I just hear your few sceptics put down the issue they've been reading for free, go back to their mother's basement and complain on their dial up._

"Should I log on my forum accounts and see if what I just said causes any outrage?"

_Go for it. It'll be one way to kill an afternoon._

His mother still stood near him, ignoring his ranting with a patience unseen for several years. He tried opening his mouth to make some remotely witty quip, but all that came out was a moan.

"Wade, I'm sorry I had to interrupt, but the doctors came back with the results."

She moved forward, hugging just in front of him- where he had been when his mother had told him that he would have little time left with her. Another tear nearly managed to make its way out of his eye, before he steeled himself and felt his anger rising.

"STOP SCREWING WITH MY MIND, YOU TWENTY SEVEN YEAR OLD VIRGIN!"

With this, the images went further back, except for his father, unmoved by his son's rage and mouth still wide open, though the moan began to die.

The next moment, his body began to seize up as grey skin was covered with a relatively pale tone and colourless hair. The once strong man had kept his physique, but this time he was more haggard and less of an icon, more something you would rather dump in a bin of bad memories. Then in an instant Wade felt himself struck by something made of glass, and as the uncorked bottle passed he remembered the taste of the booze with a very angry mind.

"Are you dense, boy? You must be, because there's no way a retard like you could be a son of mine! Who'd my wife step out of line with?"

"Did my abusive father even act like this?" Deadpool asked, both confused and angered.

_I don't have a clue. It looks like the man at his computer can't stay constant._

"The man at the wh-"

The beating continued and cut off his psychosis swiftly, profanities echoing through his mind. Before Deadpool got the courage to strike out at this mental projection, the man reformed again. Pale skin remained the same, but the frame reduced to something notably less toned, and two blonde ponytails sprung out while the man changed his attire to green and gold.

"I am your fat-"

"That's it! The changing backstory of my parents I can take, but that Star Wars reference has gone too far!"

At this, the Merc with the Mouth shot himself, causing anyone who had not left to run outside the store to do so now, some still clutching expensive electronics and setting off the alarm.

A few hours later, Deadpool woke up outside the Verizon store and raised his head with a grunt of pain, feeling the unpleasant touch of the bullet falling part of the way head before stopping.

"Oh, jeez…"

Several powerful hits to the back of his head and a self inflicted stab wound to the forehead later, and the clatter of a bullet hitting the pavement rang out in the relatively empty streets. Deadpool winced as the stab wound healed over.

Feeling around for his pistol, the mercenary found himself grabbing a piece of paper stuck conveniently to his midsection, and pulled it off.

"US Mail, now delivered directly with a free brain-dead mercenary! Caution; brain dead mercenary may leave state and kill you in a psychotic rage."

After chuckling at his own quip, he walked right next to the door of a closing shop, in need of the light that simply wasn't provided by the dim and weak glow of the streetlights. Coughing as if reading a speech, he began reading.

"_Mr Wilson,_

_While you have been a valued customer and your purchasing of the new StarkMedia product is much appreciated, your recent behaviour and attitude in our premises have since driven away record customers and forced us to replace countless display cases, causing profit to fall dismally and several staff members to be let go. Please do not return to our shop for the foreseeable future._

_Michael Green, Store Manager._

_PS: Your gun has since been handed over to police. Guns kill, or in your case also destroy priceless electronics. I hope you are happy, you insane -"_

Darkness swiftly crept over the post-it note as the panicked staff member inside the store shut everything up in a hurry and ran past, not even bothering to lock up. He realised how he must have sounded through the glass, and cupped a hand to his mouth to shout.

"I was just reading a note! No need to wet yourself, there's no Skrull coming around the corner!"

At this point he angled his head so he could see himself in the mirror.

"Or is there, true believers?"

Silence.

"Okay, there isn't. Jeez…"

A split second afterwards, an ear-splitting crack ripped through the air, and at that the glass next to Deadpool shattered, collapsing into the frame and almost scratching his mask.

"Action time, finally!"

_You seriously want to get involved with some action now? After you had to slice a bullet out of your head?_

"Yeah, I guess so… and I'm a top selling solo star! I need more time in this fanfiction!"

_You're the only one who's even appeared in this fanfi-_

"KILLING TIME!"

And with that, the merc with a mouth ran off into the night.

**A/N: So yeah. First chapter, the next will have more action. If you're an old subscriber thanks for sticking round and check some of the older stuff while you can. The old crap disappears next week!**

**If you're a new reader, we hope you stick along for the ride. You could even influence how the story goes if you do!**

**Deadpool will be doing shoutouts in the author's notes from now on, so until The Hunt For Xavier becomes the tome for idiots everywhere, Make Mine Marvel!**


	2. Deadpool versus the Shocker

**A/N: Hello again, and the Merc with a Mouth is back for a little more storytelling! Needless to say I own none of Marvel's characters that exist in fanfiction. Any OC that appears is mine unless based off part of a franchise, for example "Bob the Wookiee".**

If you had first seen the man with black spots all over the white skin that now stretched over his body, you would be inclined to, at the very least, chortle while vainly trying to cover your mouth. If he was even able to keep your attention in a vaguely serious manner afterwards, he would declare you disrespectful to him, as some would if being laughed at. At this point he would mention his alias and you would give up any hope of hiding your amusement, laughter building up to the point that you would struggle to breathe. Here the man would stand there, fists quickly tightening.

At this point, you would be so overcome with laughter that you would fail to notice the miniature portals being opened near your windpipe, and only at the last second would you realise that his fist was slamming into your throat. Hard. You'd only feel the first blow, and then the next two would knock you into unconsciousness. Afterwards, you wouldn't even wake up to know you'd been hit.

The Spot had frequently been tagged a harmless C-List villain, and to a degree, this is what had caused him to go even further away from the deep end and develop tendencies that now extended to psychosis, obsessions with causing insanity to his victims and stalking habits. To make it worse, this was if he didn't know you. If he did, you were, by most accounts, about to become New York City's latest asylum occupant.

"I'm telling you, Ohnn, I don't have the manpower to see everything here gets moved. Your boss is too general with this... like he's trying to supply a Third World Country or something."

"Then next time you can attempt to lead an assault on the Omega Base, Williams! You may be able to take on the Avengers, but the Fantastic Four are onboard, and they outsmart you thrice over. You'd be unlikely to win in a month of Sundays."

The scythe that extended from Grim Reaper's arm slashed down towards Spot, only for him to casually open a portal where the blade was meant to hit. The Maggia crime boss growled in frustration as his blade failed to slice through flesh, only going through the air of an alternate dimension.

"Damnit... your boss had better be paying well. Shifting this crap is one thing, putting up with you is something different altogether."

Spot simply snorted.

"Evidently coming back from the dead isn't what you define a payment. It fits with your stupid personality."

In response to this, Reaper simply frowned.

"Well, after coming back from the dead for the fourth or fifth time..."

Zoning out, Spot walked to the side, checking the blueprints left over from a few former H.A.M.M.E.R. agents that had been desperate enough to sell. He smiled as he realised the weak point that had suddenly appeared in what remained of his former scientific persona.

Ever since the Omega Base had been hijacked several years ago under the command of MODOK, Crimson Dynamo and Mysterio, the base never stopped to refuel anymore, instead keeping large quantities of fuel onboard so refuels could be done with relative efficiency. At least this way they didn't have to go too near a city in a crisis. That said, it had been assigned a return trip to Manhattan to have several repairs fitted, and if a skilled infiltrator managed to get onboard and had several explosives or pyrotechnics in tow...

As he folded up the blueprints, he smiled. Tonight the Omega Base would fall, and here Ohnn would climb up above the ground, all the way from where he had first sunk all those years ago...

_Are you sure that running towards the danger is a good idea?_

"I'll file that comment under a section I name ""déjà vu, not interested"". You should be lucky I'm in a reasonably good mood today," Wade replied to the voice that only he could hear.

_You've been discarded in the streets, banned from your favourite electronics store, and had to force a bullet out your head. Yet you still consider yourself in a reasonably good mood? Something else must be wrong with you._

"Yep, I reckon my dopamine levels are screwed," he answered, running without a single word for the next stretch of pavement before he skidded around the corner, the pistol now in his hand.

Mentally, he was still in a very unstable state, but his mindset had shifted towards that of a military professional. His eyes now scanned the area as best as they could despite the poor lighting with his ears pricked for the next sound. Unfortunately, the second did not help when the insane babbling inside his head returned and he was left in a mental shouting match with himself.

_Why don't you call the cops or Avengers instead? You're the one who's moaning that you're not getting enough sleep time!_

"Simple, not getting enough exercise. I need to limber up before I go off to bed nowadays. Cramp is a bitch." At this statement, Deadpool ducked behind a small brick wall and promptly began working on his hamstrings before getting to work on his calves and loosening some of the muscles in his arms.

_You know, just for once I'd like you to make a smart suggestion. And by smart I mean reasonably sensible and not boasting that gets us killed._

"We're immortal, in the event you hav-"

Impossibly, despite all the arguing taking place in the deep recesses of his mind, Deadpool still heard the clicking and the sound of a slight whirr, instinctively leaping to the side in time to avoid the brick wall collapsing on top of him and falling to pieces just as several nearby lampposts shattered and the metal structure supporting them crumpled and hit the floor. The loud crunch from the damaged Winnebago echoed down the street, almost drowning out the louder whirr that immediately followed.

The military instincts that had barely flickered after a long period of inactivity now clicked into gear, and the mercenary rolled with the second vibration that came his way, pistol firing twice and briefly showing the figure's silhouette in the darkened street. Deadpool made out a very bulky figure, noting two large gauntlets that were already adjusting to take aim a second time. After this very brief glimpse, he hit the side of a Ford Explorer, being sure to move again before the attacker could let loose with another blast.

Rolling out of the way of the fourth blast that dented the car he had just crashed into, he was completely unprepared for the fifth blast headed directly at where he stopped at. He hit the wall with a grunt of pain before his face hit the pavement, gun falling out of his hand.

"Taking on the wall-crawler on a bimonthly basis is a pain in the ass, Deadpool, I'm not gonna lie. The banter is certainly migraine-inducing and does miracles to your sanity."

Deadpool's eyes widened underneath his mask in disbelief as Shocker sent another vibration directly to his hands and the grip on his other pistol slackened, leaving him stunned from the surprise. This gave the villain a chance to hurl him into the twisted pile of metal that had once been a car before it had been set upon by a vibration from Shocker's gauntlets and the impact of a man hitting it for the second time.

"But seeing as Spider-Man isn't here and you're already of questionable mental health, I'll just see how much I can get your head to throb before I make it burst open."

"You know Herman, this isn't exactly what I call chivalry. Attacking a man travelling on his own through a confined street in the middle of the night is surely above a criminal of whatever few standards you have?"

Undeterred, Shocker did not cease his small-scale assault, the stream of level-two vibrations still slamming into the mercenary, who was still enduring the punishment far better than the car. By this point, a section of the door had caved in and split off, a sharp end of it poking directly into his back. Normally the cut would not be a problem, except for the fact that the wound had now healed around the sharp end, and the piece of metal was starting to warm up for some reason. Strength draining from his healing factor trying to fight the injury and heat, the mercenary was left weakly struggling.

"I really shouldn't have to take a lecture on standards from you. I certainly don't think that notable examples of chivalry include the man you shot in the head last week from the top of that building. Most people don't try crawling through a sewage system with stolen equipment to try and get into a man's house for assassinations either."

"Who even told you about that one?" Deadpool asked.

"Tinkerer. Said you paid good money for stolen Pym particles back in the days when you weren't trying to snuggle up with the capes," Shocker said. "Phineas admitted that after you pulled that twenty million dollar heist he felt as if he'd made the worst business mistake of his life. Guess he was wrong again."

There was a brief moment of silence as Deadpool tried struggling again, only for a stronger blast to hit his head. Eventually, the merc slowed a little, raising his head and wincing as he did so.

"What do you mean, he was wrong again?"

"Simple," Shocker replied, voice calm and level. "I get hired to tag along as protection for a big hijacking, and I can claim extra dosh for getting you out of the way permanently."

"Extra dosh? From who?"

There was another strong blast to the head, and Deadpool's eyes rolled in his head for a few seconds.

"First rule of business, Deadpool. Don't squeal about your clients unless there's a significant benefit to you with no strings attached. Second rule is don't answer questions, and I've broken that one too much already. I guess it's just time to take you out for goo-"

"FOUND IT!"

And with that, the mercenary disappeared in a crimson flash, reappearing right next to his attacker.

"You must have screwed up the circuits of my teleporter in your attack, Herman. For that I'm going to pop into your bank and see if I can rob from your account for the repair money, but first your ass has an appointment with the hard pavement and several sharp assortments I have in my magic satchel."

With his threat concluded, Deadpool lunged forwards with his hand aiming for around Shocker's throat, curling into a grip that could only be used to try and throttle someone-

The next thing he knew he had yelped in surprise and pain, completely unprepared for Shocker's contact plates to go off. There was a crack as something in Deadpool's hand snapped from the contact plate's impact, causing his arm to flail wildly. At the same time, he was already trying to land a hit with his left, only for Shocker to sidestep and send a weaker blast to the back of his head before following up with an uppercut and knocking him backwards.

Deadpool groaned as the B-List villain stood over him, having hardly broken a sweat knocking him over.

"How the hell is that even possible?" Deadpool moaned, dejected. "Please say I'm just tripping on fumes..."

Shocker didn't even bother responding, firing two stronger blasts into Deadpool's head to keep him concussed. Around the mercenary, the side of a brick wall collapsed, causing it to land a few metres away from him. Deadpool flopped like a fish out of water as he felt his arm breaking and dislocating from the impact of another blast, and he heard two clicks followed by a loud humming, doubtlessly Shocker changing the power on his gauntlets to an even higher setting.

"Give my regards to Lester when you go to hell, Deadpool."

_Does nobody know we're immortal here?_

Deadpool managed to bite on his tongue in time, knowing that if he had answered out loud, Shocker would likely just choose to keep pummelling him with his vibro-smashers until they ran out of charge. This was the downside to being an immortal; often if a supervillain chose to fight you and found out that you were surviving things nobody else did, they would simply decide to keep going and see which would give out first, your mind or their ammunition supply.

_This is gonna hurt..._

Deadpool closed his eyes tight, and waited for the inevitable vibration to hit him and overload his central nervous system with a neverending tide of pain...

Oddly, it didn't arrive, and he took a slight risk by opening his eye just a fraction. He questioned whether he could even feel anymore, but quickly proved himself wrong when he felt a giant finger prodding into him.

"Hey, Wilson, yer gonna get up or what?"

The words echoed from across an ocean, faint and gruff, and a couple of words didn't make sense to him, but soon his mind managed to focus again, aided by a pair of giant, gravelly hands picking him up with little effort and propping him against one of the few intact cars left on the street.

"You can stop squealin' like a baby already, Wilson. Johnny's clobbered Shocker for yer, though to be honest I'm surprised to see you here."

As Deadpool's eyes fully opened, he made out the bulky, golem-like physique of his saviour, noting that if you were to stick him in front of Mount Rushmore he'd be a lot harder to see, particularly if you were able to mould his face.

He sighed in disbelief as he realised that he had been picked up and saved from Shocker... by the Fantastic Four. Now, Ben Grimm was the one propping him up against the car, as if he was a child learning to walk.

"So I've just had my ass kicked by a B-List villain who took an impossible level in badass, only to be saved by the Fantastic Four?"

"Looks like it," commented the fiery form of the Human Torch, the unconscious Shocker slumped against a wall. "Except Reed's on the Omega Base right now."

"I'm never going to live this down... my street cred is going to be completely screwed."

"Strange," Johnny Storm deadpanned. "I didn't think you had any."

Despite the arm he had still yet to heal back into place, Deadpool wasted no time in picking up his pistol and walking up to challenge the insult, as well as keep what little dignity he had left from the surprise beating. Pretty soon, the youngest of the Fantastic Four found himself facing an injured yet infuriated merc with a mouth, torn mask showing his scarred face in all its hideousness.

"I'm the one the people scream about, Torch. And at least I bring good one-liners to a fight. What kind of one-liner is flame on? Do you have any idea how gay that sounds?"

The flames on Johnny Storm's head quickly heightened, and Deadpool felt the heat rise under what was left of the mask he was wearing.

"Gay? That's the most immature insult I've ever heard, particularly as you're using gay as an insult in the 21st century. Grow up already."

"No denial then?"

Invisible Woman sighed in disbelief. "Ben, would you please shut the motormouths up before one of them gets hurt?"

"Sure thing, Sue." And with that, the Thing stepped forwards, keeping Deadpool's hand in a tight enough grip to prevent him reaching for his pistol, while deliberately putting himself in between the two before a fight could break out.

"Look, Wilson, I can appreciate that yer being insulted by Johnny doesn't make yer ideal day, especially after Shocker here hurled yer butt through an entire road full of cars. But for our visiting Stretch at the Omega Base, we need him alive and well. If that's not cool with you, I'll just leave you and Shocker to resume your little debate."

Deadpool tried moving his hand away, showing that he wasn't in the mood for tangling with a seven foot golem or a conscious Shocker.

"What was that, Wilson?"

"I said **fine**. Just get off me already."

With that, the grip loosened, and the gloved hand fell back to his side, pistol now remaining in its holster.

"Is Shocker breathing, Johnny?"

The Human Torch gave a firm nod, emphasised by the sudden lowering and rising of the flames in place of where his hair might normally be.

"Yeah, he'll be fine. His suit took most of the impact so there shouldn't be too much bodily damage, even if his chest will look like a map of the world in a couple of days."

With this news, Deadpool marched up to Shocker, and after prodding him with a bit of debris just to make sure his contact plates could not go off a second time, he lifted the mask. As he finally finished snapping his arm back into place, he pulled a small scalpel out, preparing to strike down, only for a forcefield to shield the unconscious criminal.

"No, Deadpool. I don't care if he hung you over a pit of piranhas, you are not killing him."

Deadpool's profanity was drowned out by the sound of a very loud explosion from not too far away, causing him to duck along with the present members of the Fantastic Four. He felt his eardrums were near the point of bursting, the assault having left him with moderate body damage.

Johnny Storm was first to react, quickly converting into his fiery form and soaring upwards through the air, a trail of fire in his wake.

"I think it's time we stopped playing guardians to this lunatic and got our butts over to Omega. I can make out muzzle flashes and it looks like somebody just launched an RPG their way."

With that news, The Thing gave him a nod of farewell while Invisible Woman did her best to simply ignore him.

"Wait a minute! This sounds exciting, and I am not being left here with the man who wears a quilt! Let me tag along!"

The three members of the Fantastic Four all looked at one another, weighing up the pros and cons of bringing him along. Invisible Woman showed the most indecision, trying to decide whether she would rather bring along as much help as possible for the sake of her husband, or whether he would pose too much of a risk for their rescue attempt.

"Fine, Deadpool. You can come along, just shut up and don't kill anyone."

The mercenary whooped with delight as he ran alongside what was present of the Fantastic Four.

"Finally, I'm part of a team!"

Above, Johnny Storm rolled his eyes in disbelief.

"Please let me hurl a fireball his way..."

**A/N: Okay, the new chapter is up, thank you all for reading and there'll be a bit more action next time!**

**As Deadpool will begin his travels soon, please give suggestions as to where you would like him to go (or what you'd like him to see) and I'll try featuring it. Suggest almost anything (almost meaning it has to allow this story to stay at a T rating).**


	3. Deatdpool on the Road

**Bezerkoid: Hello everybody! Thanks for all the alerts and reviews, keep them coming, and we hope you enjoy this chapter!**

**Deadpool: That's right. More of those now, or I'll start eating your mail.**

**Just to be serious, we have heard that some of you are contemplating holding people hostage until Chapter 3 came out. So aside from obviously releasing your hostages, next time if you need help, follow our tutorial offered by googling "Hostage Taking 101". Every site hit we get gives a cent to getting a better writer in charge of this story.**

Two minutes into the Fantasticar ride, Susan Storm and Ben Grimm had both developed a migraine, and now looked at the cracked radio, wincing a little as the odd spark came their way from the wreckage. Desperately fighting the urge to die of embarrassment or horror, the two were putting up with the argument in the back as best they could.

"Couldn't you both have made do without the radio?"

At this, Sue would normally turn around, but right now her eyes were attempting to focus on the road, urgently looking for Reed or a clue that could reveal his whereabouts.

"Hell no! I'm not listening to any more of this crap!"

Under the mask, Deadpool's eyebrows formed into a harsh glare.

"Insult Drowning Pool one more time and I'm going to stick a katana up your ass!"

"What is there to insult? It's just a load of metalheads screaming before they go on Call of Duty!" Even though Torch had changed out of his fire form, Ben thought he felt the temperature rise a few degrees.

"You're really pushing it, ain't ya?"

A few seconds of uneventful silence. Then Deadpool felt his phone go off.

"_Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger…"_

Johnny Storm simply looked at the man on the opposite side of the car as if he had asked whether an ice cream would melt if it was floating next to the sun. Already starting to feel similar to his teammates, he tried replicating the move known to several who browsed the internet as the facepalm.

Deadpool simply rolled his eyes at the result, then sighed and propped his head back on the seat.

"Wilson, ain't you gonna answer yer phone?"

Deadpool nodded and pulled it out of a pouch around his belt, noting he should probably remove some as they were proving something of an annoyance now. He was regrettably too late, having pulled his phone out just as it rang for the last time. Looking at the screen and checking the messages, he bit down hard on his tongue to prevent him screaming the name out in surprise.

_Let me get this straight. You've got a text and a missed call from Outlaw. Wonder what they say._

"No, don't check your phone! I don't know what she said!"

Realising that he had let his tongue speak unchecked, Wade cleared his throat and tried changing the subject.

"So do any of you have an Xbox gamertag?"

For a brief moment, the Fantastic Four wondered what was going on inside his head. Then after the contents of their imagination increased age rating, they decided they didn't want to know anymore.

**A few minutes before the explosion in the previous chapter …**

"It's not that I don't trust you, Dynamo. It's just that my policy hasn't really covered working with Soviet-era megalomaniacs."

The figure in the red stood there, expression unreadable due to the red helmet obscuring his facial features. Despite this, he radiated arrogance, pure and unchecked. One day, it could be the catalyst of his untimely death.

"Which naturally means that you don't trust me anyway. That's fine by me, you're in the majority." The reply was calm and cool, yet carried a dark undertone which could be mistaken as a threat. "In any case, right now your feelings are mutual."

The man in the darker green and black uniform also had his face obscured by his helmet, though from his posture it was obvious that he felt uncomfortable standing next to this man. Not only was he working with a man they knew only by an alias, but the man in question was capable of electrocuting him with forty thousand volt whips, blowing him apart with several missile launchers, or simply grabbing him and smashing his skull open with the armoured gauntlet that covered his hand.

"Dynamo, I'm not saying the two of us need to be best friends for life. All we need you to do is overload the power and take out the machines guarding the exterior areas. Then you're free to walk away with three million dollars to dispense with as you please while my grunts clear what's left."

Commander Breg of HYDRA mentally brought up his options, with cold and calculating looks at his opposite. In the event that the man in a Crimson Dynamo suit attempted going rogue on his men, his only weapons- a stolen SA80 rifle and an energy weapon retrieved from an old SHIELD locker- would be of little use. The only options he would have left were removing Dynamo's power source, or disabling the whips and getting him to waste his missiles. This itself would be no easy task, and he knew it. He was simply grateful he had other reliable metahumans on standby.

After what felt like an eternity, Dynamo gave a gesture best described as a doubtful nod, and fired up his rockets before ascending a few feet and stopping.

"Remember, Dynamo. To get your objective completed, you need to lead the air assault troops through the holes the explosives make in the upper floors. Order your forces to destroy their communications array first, then disable the elevator system. Once that's done, I'll join your strike force via jetpack for the next phase of the assault."

Dynamo raised a hand to show his understanding, then soared up and headed towards the target. Behind his helmet and now dozens of metres away, the HYDRA commander couldn't see his face.

If he could have, he would have frozen in his tracks at the hired killer's sadistic smile.

"Why are we even taking so long to get to the Omega Base? I thought this thing was capable of crossing the entire of continental USA in a couple of hours!"

The second the complaint had finished, Ben Grimm found himself tempted to slam down on the brakes and hope that despite the bulletproof glass at the front, Deadpool would fly through it and get hit by a passing truck.

"Because the Omega Base uses automated defence systems that don't exactly discriminate when they're set off. Any vehicles that approach have to be part of a SHIELD convoy, or pray that for once the techies resigned and took some of the furniture when they left. Approaching at a high speed is just begging for them to barbecue us alive."

Deadpool let out a low whistle.

"I would've thought that if a world-renowned genius drives to work, he wouldn't have to worry about a plasma bolt through his windshield."

In a rare moment of agreement he would later come to regret, Johnny nodded his head.

"You're telling me. Normally we wouldn't even have to worry about this, but Stretch had the old car confiscated from him when he rebuilt it with SHIELD money. Right now this is made up of old funds we scavenged from some sale of sorts. And since the databases for SHIELD were reset since the organisation's remaking, we don't really have security clearance right now."

"Oh, the old pay with the government, government takes thing away later scheme," Wade deadpanned. "Works out well for everyone and anyone. Just ask Tony Stark, if he can answer past his slurs or brain damage."

There was a moment's silence as the mercenary realised his fellow passengers hadn't quite developed the same warped sense of humour as him.

"Still better than that flying bathtub you first rolled around in."

"True dat."

All further conversation was cut off as three bullets bounced off the windscreen.

"BEN! Evasive manoeuvres, now!"

On cue, the Thing's piloting expertise kicked in, second nature to him now. As if on cue, the car put on a burst of speed, in time to dodge an RPG round that would have sent it tumbling and more exposed to gunfire.

"Why so panicked? Ain't this thing bulletproof?"

Susan Storm scoffed in disbelief.

"Just because you may be immune to an enemy's sting doesn't mean you willingly stick your hand in their nest, Deadpool. And in any case, these guys have RPG's. I'm willing to bet that they will have something even better. Do you really want to test that theory?"

Deadpool shook his head. "Nah, I suppose not. And I guess with the paintjob you couldn't really be blamed for wanting to keep this out of harm's way."

"JUST SHUT UP AND GET READY TO ATTACK!"

Taking the hint, the mercenary drew his pistol from its holster, and carefully cleaned his knife, then pulled it back into a slot in his belt. He then fumbled around in one of his pouches and produced an MP5K sub-machine gun, slamming a new magazine into the chamber. The members of the Four winced at the sound. Deadpool looked at them in surprise, then remembered the Fantastic Four didn't like guns. _Typical…_

"What's wrong? It's just an MP5K totally capable of blowing a man's brain out with a single bullet."

"That's one of the reasons most heroes don't use them, aside from the fact that we don't need a gun. We've got powers, but we're also not as low as some people," Thing remarked. The comment was not directly critical of Deadpool, but subtlety had not always been Ben Grimm's strength.

"HEY! I don't need guns to fight! I've killed a Skrull with a sharpened pencil and I'm also willing to beat you to death with your own life ba-"

Before Deadpool could proceed to give a completely crazed speech on his several self-proclaimed killing miracles, the Fantasticar swerved to avoid an RPG shell, with the members inside preparing to tense.

"Everybody get ready to disembark! We are coming in hot, I repeat, we are coming in hot!"

Before Thing could brake completely, however, he found himself approached by one of HYDRA's mobile artillery platforms. The resulting crunch seemed to, for a brief moment, break the sound barrier and deafen everybody within earshot. Then Deadpool found himself falling out the windscreen, face first. As he did so, he realised that his combat knife was slowly going out of his reach.

"LUCILLE!" he screamed, seeing the knife spin away.

At that point, the gunfire seemed to be drowned out by a quiet, yet disturbing laugh.

"Do not worry, mercenary. I shall see to it that your knife is returned to you."

And in two solid and impossibly skilled movements, Bloodscream caught Deadpool's knife and easily balanced it, sharp part first, on the tip of his finger, before hurling it straight back in his face. Deadpool screamed as it nearly went through his eye.

"Oh… _god_!" Deadpool's howl continued for a couple of moments as the vampire warrior approached, raising a blade of his own as he did so and preparing to strike down on the middle of his neck.

If Deadpool's scream had been unpleasant to listen to, this man's cry was completely unbearable.

"Haha, fooled you!" The mercenary winced slightly as his own head wound healed over, but he knew that Bloodscream would be screaming over his injury for the next few days at best. "Let me know what it's like to regenerate your groin. I think I've forgotten."

Thing nodded slightly, clambering over from where he had originally started, taking pause to knock out a straggler that hadn't quite been on time for the first attack.

"Not quite my way of getting things done, but I guess he'll recover."

"The curse of a healing factor is simply becoming fate's bitch for slapstick," Deadpool casually remarked.

A loud, irritated cough echoed down as Johnny Storm hung in midair, now fully alight and very impatient with the general progress of the two men below.

"Could you two get a move on? I have a top floor or five to clear and I need some backup!"

Wade instantly shared an unhappy glance with Thing, and in that second his temporary ally suddenly seemed to gain an idea.

"Wilson, you've just volunteered!"

Wade's eyes scrunched together in confusion, before suddenly opening in realisation.

"But I can't fly…nofortheloveofbeaarthur..."

"Just be sure not to look down…"

Deadpool reluctantly drew another knife a second before Benjamin Grimm picked him up, pulled his arm back quickly and then hurled him up to a hole in the Omega Base towards the top floor. Two HYDRA lackeys had their weaponry trained on him, only for their weapons to drop just a little further than their jaws. As the mercenary reached his landing point, he opened his mouth and took one of the deepest breaths in his entire life.

"FASTBALL SPECIAL INBOUND!"

-

**Yes, I am aware the chapter is probably very overdue and ended on a bit of a weak line, but I am just trying to remobilise and get back onto mass production rather than occasional bits of writing. I apologise for taking three chapters but by the next one the story will be picking up the pace a bit. If we haven't officially moved on to exploring everything, I'll be sure to write a poor Twilight fic despite the fact I haven't read the books.**


	4. Deadpool hates a hiatus

Everything is Better With Deadpool- Chapter 4

**Bezerkoid/Spectrosoldier/whatever my account name is these days: Hello everyone. I'm aware it's been a ridiculously long time since I last uploaded a chapter for this, or for anything for that matter. The day to day stuff in my life has just been ridiculously busy; I can't give a better excuse than that, and for that reason I'm sorry. I'll try to pick up from where we last got to. Let's go!  
**

* * *

Both the grunts in front of him screamed, opening fire with their energy weapons and backpedalling furiously, trying their hardest to prevent the crazy mercenary from closing the distance and bisecting them. Unfortunately, accuracy tends to suffer in human beings when fear and stress are nagging at the mind, and HYDRA is seldom known for decent marksmanship training to start with. The first burst of fire screamed past him as he came down towards them, the second slamming into the floor as Deadpool got inside their blind spot and forced their weapons down, wincing as the heat from the barrels scorched his hands. The pain was nothing new- Weapon X had seen to it that he could withstand much worse, and he was just getting started.

Instead of bisecting the guards, he slammed their heads into one another, but not out of mercy, and he landed with both feet on the floor. Not bad for a first try at what Wolverine really did best. A primal rage overtook him suddenly, and he started screaming as he raised a katana, dragging one of the stunned mooks to his feet.

"**This- *grunt*** is for doing nothing in the **two years plus** time that a chapter's failed to emerge on FanFiction! **This** is for having such horrific aim! And **this** is for rule of three!"

The now dead guard fell to the floor, blood starting to pour from the various openings Deadpool had left. The other one had barely registered what had happened before he felt himself be thrown out the hole through which his attacker had entered. Before he could fall to the ground, a force field from the Invisible Woman slowed his descent, lowering him and a few other soldiers to the ground. Her head angled towards another hole in the floor above Deadpool's, noticing a few metahumans jumping out from where the other soldiers had just fallen.

"Deadpool! I thought we agreed on no killing, and yet Johnny and Reed see a dead man lying next to you, with another guard that you almost defenestrated!" Thing shouted at him from the ground, his guttural, thunderous voice easily audible over the gunfire and screams. During this time, Wade had failed to notice Mr Fantastic stick his long neck inside the hole in the base, disgust easily readable on his face. He must have fought his way downstairs in an effort to defend his research in the time that Deadpool had been playing the Knife Game Song with his face.

"Firstly, Benjy-boy, it's only defenestration if I throw them out of a window. I threw them out of a hole in the side of the wall. Secondly, they were trying to kill me. Third, I-"

"We don't have time to discuss the specifics and morality here!" Reed Richards butted in, only taking pause to extend his leg down a few floors and kick Batroc the Leaper in the stomach before he could jump up and distract them from the bigger threats. "When we're done saving the Omega Base, we're taking you in to SHIELD custody for one count of murder, and another account of attempted murder."

Before Deadpool could spit out a reply as to how unjust this solution sounded, Richards was off again, punching a few HYDRA guards who were trying to break into a laboratory. Deadpool grabbed his MP5K, checked it was still working, and began running forward into the chaos, reciting random memes along the way.

"Between you and me, Ben, I'm afraid Deadpool's right about the defenestration stuff."

"Oh, COME ON!"

* * *

The corridors of the next few floors more or less consisted of the same thing. Grunts on both sides aimed terribly at one another, occasionally scoring hits on their enemies, while Deadpool ran through them, focusing on the higher-priority targets, such as the heavily armoured mooks. Progress was slow, but gradually he managed to advance with the SHIELD troopers not far behind. Labs were cleared, hostages saved and vital projects scavenged from the labs so the eggheads could work on them.

To SHIELD, it was progress and absolutely essential. To Deadpool, it was something to be desired, not an imperative; that, and he found most of it extremely boring. He started talking to himself again, as he found it the only satisfying form of conversation.

"So, the Fantastic Four are going to take me into SHIELD custody because I did what a SHIELD agent is supposed to do. Should they get it through their bug-addled brains that they point their rifles _towards_ their enemies, they're fine as long as they can prove that they didn't go out of their way to murder whoever died, and they've got self-defence as an excuse. Why don't I get the same loophole?"

_Because we have a habit of firing off shots into the air when we get bored. Because the supers such as the FF go out of their way not to kill if the option is open. For us, murder is the best solution, and when we see a problem, diplomacy's never something we consider._

"That's because nobody ever gets on with us enough to start negotiating!"

_Yeah, like you've made an effort to improve relations._

"I did! I stopped shooting at SHIELD because it got boring."

At that point, the conversation came to a sudden and awkward halt, as several things happened.

The first thing Wade noticed was the group of SHIELD troopers that were alternating between giving him a death glare, or a piece of their rather vulgar minds. The second was the sound of loud pounding on the wall next to a makeshift barricade, behind which two troopers had been taking cover.

He barely had time to register the third thing- an angry Digger pounding through the wall, spraying debris all over the hallway and crushing the barricade. Two troopers lay dead, killed by the sheer force of him breaking through the wall. To their credit, the troopers who hadn't been killed immediately turned around and unloaded their rifles into him, causing him to drop to his knees in pain as multiple exit wounds soon appeared.

There is a reason that Digger is generally taken more seriously than most C-list supervillains, the few times he appears. For starters, he has a degree of superhuman strength, which may not be enough to allow him to tango with the Hulk, but lets him give weaker superhumans one hell of a headache, and his healing factor is sufficiently strong enough to allow large objects to be buried in his skull without killing him. Next to consider is the Halloween costume appearance, which adds to the slasher flick feel and unnerves his opponents.

The real factor, however, is the fact that he is a seriously unhinged serial killer, with a creepy penchant for reading morbid stories while burying people alive.

The SHIELD agents had at least been savvy enough to riddle their target with laser fire, until their target was down. One thing they hadn't accounted for was his healing factor- the exit wounds were soon covered up by fresh, slightly tougher skin than what had been there before. Evidently somebody had tried adding adaptability into the mix; it might not have been enough to match Darwin from the X-Men, but for a series of armoured men with laser rifles.

Before Deadpool could blink, the trooper nearest to Digger had been thrown into the wall, a loud snapping noise echoing through the hallway as his relatively unprotected neck made first contact with it. He then strolled over to a pair of men who were trying to backpedal, rifles and the MP5K barely scorching his flesh, whereas before they had punctured through him with relatively less effort, and slammed their heads into each other, causing any observer to involuntarily wince.

"Did you ever read the story on Reddit called _The Smiling Man_? No. A pity, it's a classic on the horror boards and sub-Reddits. Let me educate you all, so you may go to the afterlife with a story in your heart."

By now the SHIELD troopers were starting to realised they'd been outmatched. It was sort of weird to imagine that a freak in a Halloween costume was starting to kick the butts of a team of trained agents, but then again Digger was being unusually methodical even considering his serial killer status. The first two victims had been taken by surprise and therefore had been given no time to get out of the way of his charge, and the next three had all had their armour's weak points exploited- the neck and their helmets, respectively.

"About five years ago I lived downtown in a major city in the US. I've always been a night person, so I would often find myself bored when my roommate, who was decidedly _not_ a night person, went to sleep. To pass the time, I used to go for long walks and spend the time thinking. I spent four years like that, roaming around at night..."

The story went on, as Digger grabbed the nearest foe and started wearing down the specially designed body armour with several strong punches. Standard-issue armour for SHIELD was tough, designed to withstand super-powered punches, bullets, laser blasts and even a five-storey fall if it was in good condition. Enough of any of these, however, and eventually the armour would start to be worn down. Alternatively, the armour would be fine, but the agent inside wouldn't; this sort of approach required calculated pressure, properly-applied strength and a designated weak point. The freak wasn't trying to simply kill his enemies, for if he had there'd be at least three more dead bodies on the floor. This was the fun that a predator got from toying with its prey and showing it was simply that good. More weapons fire bounced off his back, new exit wounds healing over, old flesh replaced by hardened skin.

"His eyes were open wide and wild, head tilted back slightly, looking off at the sky. His mouth was formed in a painfully wide grin of a smile."

After having emptied a second magazine into Digger, Deadpool decided that enough was enough and that as fun as bullets may be, it was time for something more useful and pragmatic. He raised his swords, dropping the MP5 and lunging forwards. The clatter of his submachine gun hitting the floor may not have been the best thing for a surprise attack, but it made little difference as his victim barely had time to turn around at all. The first blade sliced off a chunk of his cheek and jaw, with the second going into his brain. Digger shuddered and released the battered trooper, letting him fall to the floor. While his cheek was already healing over, his jaw was still on the floor, though he persisted in going on with the story as he tried in vain to slot it in, at one point sticking it in the wrong way around. Mercifully, owing to the temporary brain damage and missing bone, his sentences weren't easy to understand.

_Come to think of it, why didn't we do that already?_

"I wanted to see if the old-fashioned way worked on this douche. Evidently, it doesn't."

_If that isn't the biggest load of bull I've ever seen a writer come up with..._

Time was of the essence, and Deadpool felt enough time had been wasted on this guy for now. He turned to the remaining SHIELD troopers, urging them to rush along and leave Digger to him. Filling him with lead had obviously not worked, so it was obviously time to take extreme measures. Picking up his MP5K, he pressed it against Digger's head, firing through the still-healing wound. The result was a roar of pain, though before he had finished screaming Deadpool shoved the sword through the entry wound again, twisting it around, to the sound of more anguished yells.

"To the pain, Digger", he grunted, kicking him between the legs and following that up with a pistol whip to the same region. Eventually, enough bullets to his insides, and Digger eventually collapsed, his giant and discoloured form falling to the floor. He'd eventually get back up, but for now he was out for the count.

Reaching inside his pouch, there were two more magazines in addition to the one he had left. The sound of burning not far below implied that the Four were beginning to catch up- it was probably best that he get to the higher levels and not miss the action.

* * *

A few floors below, the Human Torch, Invisible Woman and the Thing of the Fantastic Four were pushing their way through the HYDRA grunts, facing minimal resistance as they cleared hallway after hallway, followed by more SHIELD troops who arrested their incapacitated enemies. Further along the way, they found that Batroc the Leaper had somehow managed to get back up to fight again, only to be knocked down once more as a fireball zoomed into his abdomen. Behind him, Tatterdemalion tried jumping forwards in an effort to subdue Invisible Woman, but promptly hit an invisible wall and fell backwards, before his body was later hurled into Dansen Macabre, who was knocked out by the impact.

"Typical C-listers. Whoever wanted a supervillain raid either wanted cheap or just made a Facebook event for anybody to attend."

Johnny paused and pondered for a moment.

"Hang on a minute. I can't believe I only just thought about this."

"What?" Ben Grimm turned and paused from the fighting, letting two HYDRA soldiers fire into his face and ignoring it as the blasts bounced off him and into the wall.

"Has it occurred to nobody that this is probably a distraction to keep us away from Reed? These grunts aren't meant to stop us, they're just cannon fodder to delay us!"

"So we're being played for schmucks, eh?"

The revelation was enough for Ben Grimm to slam his hands together, knocking out the HYDRA agents closest to the group and concussing the ones behind. Susan lowered the barrier she had put up, creating more invisible constructs and forcing them down the hall, pushing multiple troops together and pressing them against the wall. When she released her mental grip, the way ahead was cleared.

"There. That wasn't so bad".

"**Given that you've been punching out grunts, I'm not surprised."**

Another door opened at the end of the hallway, this time revealing more enemies, only this time it wasn't a group of goons.

Hydro-Man, Psycho-Man, Grey Gargoyle, Boomerang, the Rhino and Dreadknight walked into the corridor, with Red Ghost phasing through the ceiling and landing behind them with his super apes following at his heels. From behind _them_ walked three more troops, only this time they were clad in Crimson Dynamo armour. While the more famous Crimson Dynamos had been able to go toe-to-toe with Iron Man, including the one who had recently come out of retirement, Valentin Shatalov, the blueprints had been leaked a few years ago to the black market- it was now produced on the cheap at the cost of quality, but it was still something for most law enforcements to treat with caution.

"**Want to have a go at the boss rush?"**

"IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!"

* * *

**So yeah, there we go. I'm technically taking some liberties by having characters that are currently dead appear- however, at the time of writing the last chapter, neither the Human Torch nor Rhino were dead, and I don't think it makes sense for Johnny Storm to die randomly just because it happened in the comics during the hiatus.**

**Sorry it feels a bit rushed, but I hope that I'll find my feet again and manage to keep this up. Once again, really sorry for the delay, constructive feedback please!  
**

**Oh, the story I quoted from Reddit is a real one up there, so yes, I feel slightly guilty for having taken the work; if it's any consolation I got little sleep the night after I finished that part of the chapter, so I did suffer for it. If you wish to read the story in full, go ahead, but I wouldn't recommend it.**


End file.
